Countdown To Start Operation Find Myself!

June 30th at 5:00 pm the long awaited appointment with Dr Rice will FINALLY be here. Over the last 27 days I have been mulling over the question that he asked me when he returned my call, "What exactly is it that is going on?" Except now I don't draw a blank when I hear it I say,

"I am tired of having emotions that are all over the place. One little thing can just set me into an avalanch of ranting about that one thing to everything that pisses me off in 10-30 seconds but the rant could go on and on and on. Then before you know it I have passed off all of my frustration, anger, & guilt onto my three (or however many happen to be present for that particular rant) children or my husband.

Then after I have walked away in those first five or so minutes following I start getting glimpses of the hurtful things I said or the sad, overwhelmed, emotionless faces of my children (who I may have just dropped off at school, their ball game or I just stormed out of the house leaving them standing there thinking what did we do to deserve that) and my guilt sets in I start feeling horrible for making my children feel that way and I worry that I have done emotional damage to them.

So I think there are two parts to this journey I am about to take.
1. Deal with the emotional roller coaster that my life seems to jump on with more regularity then I care for & all the baggage that comes along with that range in emotion.
2. Believing that I deserve to take care of myself and the proper way to go about doing that.

For so long now I have put everyone else before myself taking care of them, working, cleaning the house, trying to manage the household finances, and everything else that life threw my way that I forgot that I needed or even deserved to take care of myself. I have tried to be everything to everyone now I need to find some kind of balance between the two.

And just for fun let's throw in the fact that I am a recovering addict and my husband is an alcholic. Anyway only a couple days left and I will be getting the jump start that my journey has needed. Cross your fingers!